A Lesson In Computer Security

At my place of employ, I.T. security is viewed as being paramount. If one leaves one’s computer ever, for any reason, one is to have it locked under password control. As such, when somebody walks away and leaves their computer unlocked, it has become a bit of a time honored tradition to mess with their stuff. Change their screensaver, invert their monitors, change letter keys on their keyboard, install a program that makes loud farting noises randomly, you name it, it has happened in this office.

A particularly fine example of prankery arrived in my inbox yesterday. The fellow who “sent” this is a rather traditional redneck who enjoys dear hunting, fishing, and going to the strip club weekly to “go see dem titties!”. In his world, touching means you’re standing on the same carpet, any closer than that and you better be married or having sex.

This was sent out to all of the mid-level managers. We’ll see if he ever leaves his computer unlocked again…

All-

I just wanted to take a moment and let you all know how much I love you. It is truly an honor and a privilege to come to work everyday and be surrounded by such handsome, strapping, good looking people. If I could, I would give you all a gigantic tight bear hug every single morning, then another one when you leave for the day. Ok, maybe I’d give you one when you left for lunch too. Really, can’t we just hug more often?

Thank you very much for letting me share the same air as you. It’s the pinnacle of my life achievement just to be able to stand within a 20 foot radius of you. You’re really just an amazing group of fantastic people. You all deserve a puppy.

You may receive a box of chocolates tomorrow. Think of me fondly as you eat them. Know that I carefully selected them by hand with your specific palate in mind. Each caramel is a gift of affection from me to you.

If anybody needs me, I’ll be out front, hugging contractors and employees as they enter and exit the building, then handing them a tulip bulb. I know they’re not in season, so I had a selection of the finest tulips imported from Belgium just for this occasion. No need to thank me, it’s just my small way of saying thank you for being you.

-Forever Yours
*redacted*

FA3BIBQFE7IU2R8.MEDIUM

Leave a Reply